ESC has a classy family 

talking with my parents about the son of my father's cousin (my....3rd cousin?)

Mom: well, all while he was growing up, if you talked to his mother, she ALWAYS said he was going to be a doctor. Oh yes...a DOCTOR.

us: *laugh*

Mom: then he was going into mortuary science. we even ran into them in Oakland once, looking at the mortuary school there.

me: that ever happen?

Mom: no.

me: so what's he doing now?

Mom: he's a bouncer at a strip club.

me: ...!

Dad: when he needs a date for a family function, I think he just brings one of the girls from the club.


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on the phone with my brother


bro: what are you getting grandpa?

me: I'm making him a fleece blanket.

bro: wow. that's a REALLY good idea.......fuck you!

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