Thursday, February 17, 2005

The long awaited, overly long post about backdoor fun 

"Kev, I joked on my site that I was going to do an anal sex post. Now everyone wants me to do it."

"what? no!"

"why not?"

"you're going to get us arrested, or something."

"pft! it's legal, right? wasn't there a federal anal sex law passed? or something?"

(actually, that would be a GREAT name for a law! I would love to hear Katie Couric talk about it on the Today Show. "last night, the congress passed the Federal Anal Sex Act...")

"yeah, but this is the SOUTH!"

"yeah, but this is ATLANTA! besides, other people have blogged about it! Inanna did, a while back. Dooce mentioned it...something about an A1 bottle"


Yeah, so now I'm stuck. And while I've been mentally keeping tracks of thoughts and observations, actually writing this is proving difficult. Especially since everyone here has decided that my desk is the one to stand around and have conversations near. I'm trying to BLOG HERE, people!

So let's go back. Most of you know by now that my sexual forays were few and far between before Kev (or BK). Also pretty disappointing in nature. I was a very sexual person...who wasn't getting any sex! I needed to be unleased...but wasn't getting the opportunity. Fortunately, Kev also had that same inner beast (hehe...UNLEASH THE BEAST!), and together we've been quite explosive. And rough...and sweaty..pounding....and...and...


where was I?

Oh! And while we've experimented with positions, toys, places, etc with much success, there was always that oooonnnne other thing he wanted to do.

yeah. "that"

he'd bring it up. I'd shrug it off. He'd get a little pleading...maybe a little whiny. I'd give him a blow job to make him stop. I just didn't want to think about it. After all, it deals with a region that I'm not all that fond of on me....the butt. It's not really a happy place. It's not attractive. I've got good boobage, but poor booty. Also...it's a BUTT! It does...things things that butts do! Output! Not input! And after reading a story or two on the subject, well....I was less than enthusiastic.

But Kev was determined. What IS it with guys and anal, anyway? Is it a "no hole left behind" policy I am unaware of? Is it the forbidden nature of it all? What? Are the other holes just not as fun anymore? Boredom setting in..."oh...not pussy again!" And why is it fine for a man to have anal with a women, but so many people find two men doing it absolutely abhorent! After all, all the same parts are involved. There aren't any anatomical differences between girl and boy butts. Well, hopefully girls are a little less hairy.

Anyway, Kev was determined. And he does his research. He loooves looking stuff up online. So he found some pages that dealt with the gradual incorporation of Greecian love into your sex life. How you have to eeeeaaaaase into it. And he found my weakness.

I think I've mentioned before that every once in awhile, after some serious, marathon-style lovemaking, I can achieve the uber-orgasm. The orgasm to end all orgasms. That leaves me so overwhelmed that I can do nothing but sob uncontrollably afterwards. Oh yeah...it's THAT GOOD! There was no formula for making this occur. Sometimes, we could go for hours and never get to it. But on the rare occasion...oh...wow....yeah.

So one night after sex, Kev decides it's time for me to cum again (what a NICE boy he is), and the surefire method for an evilscience orgasm is this: I rub my clit, Kev rubs my G-spot. Repeat until orgasm achieved. But this particular time, Kev decides to get sneaky. After a few minutes of the aforementioned rubbing, a hear a *click* *buzzzzzzzz*

"is that the vibrator?"

"shhhh...just lay back"

oookkkay. but he doesn't put it where I think he's putting it. He just barely...barely...puts it further down. Just the tip...right there...and continues to rub my g-spot. Now I've got the killer trifecta going. And after a few more minutes of this...oh....yeah...yeah...YEAH....OH MY GOOODDDDDDD!!!!! *uncontrollable sobbing* hooray!

the magic formula. We had found it.

So it was only a matter of time before I caved. How could I not? There was unexplored pleasure to be had. Thousands of porn stars couldn't be wrong, right?


So we tried it. Triiiied it. Didn't work. Didn't work in a very painful way. Why? Wrong lube. Our standard stuff just wasn't cutting it. I demanded the best - if it's good enough for gay men, it's good enough for me. Not another try until we had some astroglide.

The next day, Kev bought it. Eager much?

We actually didn't try again for another few weeks. But at least we were prepared with the astroglide.

So here's the thing, fellas, when something goes up there for the first time, the body's reaction is "GAH! SOMETHING GOING IN THE OUTPUT SHOOT!!! GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!!!!" otherwise known as the "I have to poop" reflex. So you have to very calmly tell your body "no, you don't have to poop. just relax, relax" and try desperately not to cringe from the pain of SOMETHING BIG GOING UP YOUR ASS!!!!

All this requires intense concentration...concentration that is NOT helped by the person who is causing all this stress asking things like "you ok? does it feel good, baby? tell me it feels good!"

ok...right now it does NOT FEEL GOOD! and I'm desperately trying to concentrate on my breathing and relaxation (kind of like yoga. hmm...yoga anal sex...ok, that's another post) and I can't do my standard "oooing" and "ahhhing" and it DOESN'T FEEL GOOD right now so STOP TALKING!!!!

And once my body exits panic mode and all my muscles relaaaxxxxxx....oh my yes...oh...it DOES FEEL GOOD! Very VERY good! Don't ever stop, good! Start pounding, good! Harder, good! FASTER!!!!


And afterwards...the fun of walking around for the rest of the evening with well lubed butt cheeks. Is that the weirdest feeling or what?

The whole process repeats itself every time. Kev keeps insisting that the more we do it, the more my body will adjust. HAHA, that sounds like a good excuse to get more butt loving. But at least I know now that I can DO it, and that it's not terrible or gross.

And now, after reading this, Kev is going to get very very horny. And he's going to want some lovin', butt-wise or other. But my mother is in town until next Tuesday, and those bed shaking, wall banging, dog howling, sex-a-thons are off until she leaves. Poor boy.

So there you have it. The EvilScienceChick anal sex post. I hope it was worth the hype. Seriously didn't think it would get this much attention.

And now....I need a cold shower.